Can I get that with the crusts cut off?

I hate crusts. And they are everywhere. Yes, you have your basic, obvious, crusts...Pizza crust, bread crust, pie crust, etc. But if you take a look around, there are crusts everywhere... Hamburgers, Pancakes, Waffles, Quesadillas...They're taking over. Its very subtle.

This topic came up recently when my friend Lisa and I were talking about how funny her younger brother Matt is. Her story began with an experience at her dinner table when, to break an awkward silence, Matt blurted out, "I hate crusts. I hate them on everything. Sandwiches, Pizza, everything." Well that is as far as Lisa's story got because I shouted out (the shouting came into play due to the red wine I had been drinking) "Oh my god I hate crusts TOO!!!!" Because lets face it, I really do.

Now there are some great crusts in the world. There is the earth's crust (that pretty much allows us to live so I'm not really going to denounce it). In forest fires according to my friends at Wikipedia, crust is something that covers trees to slow the fire. There was a band in the 90's called Crust. Crust is also a type of slang word used to describe something that the speaker disapproves of. For instance, if you were to say "Dude, Mason Jars? What the hell are they good for? Not so cool Laura." I would say "Crust!"

However, this is where the good crusts... end.

Lets take a look at Pizza Hut for a minute. This is a company that somehow not only managed to combined Jessica Simpson and the Muppets for the greatest marketing ploy of the 21st century if your goal is to reel in the tween and marionette-puppet pizza-eating contigent, but also tried turning their crusts into non-crusts by sticking cheese into them and making them easily detachable from their pizza (a.k.a. these bites are made for popping). That's not how it works guys. Plus it only further proves my point that there is a large group of us out there who don't like crusts, so much so that Pizza Hut feels a need to resort to cheap tricks to try and get us to eat our crusts. Thanks Kermit, but I'm not interested.



Let me address something else. There is the myth that eating crust will make your hair curly so if you want curly hair eat your crusts. Um how about no. I have very curly hair (and P.S. its great but overrated) and I don't eat my crusts. That's something your mom made up. No the heels of the loaf of bread (the part that I fear most.. I mean really why are they called heels?) aren't lucky, your cheeks don't get rosier from eating you crust, and you can still learn to whistle if you only eat the "inside" of your sandwich.

So how does one go about eating things with crusts? Pizza crust is pretty easily avoidable. You get to the end of the cheese and stop. However, it can be a little dicey sometimes knowing where to stop. The cheese will bleed over into the crust. Only you can choose how far you want to push that line.

Sandwiches...Well you can either go for the diagonal cut which allows the maximum amount of eatable sandwich with the crust still on or you can go sans-crust and cut it all off. Some people might feel this makes them stand out in a crowd. Really though I think a good third of the people around you are saying "wow I wish I had the balls to cut off my crusts too."

If you do choose to go crustless, thankfully the ultimate tool has been created. They (those geniuses who also understand crust is just not an option) have made these:



Keep an eye peeled, they're coming to a grocery store near you.
Or probably an Urban Outfitters. They sell random stuff in there.


When it comes to hamburgers, yes, I could cut it in half, but it just doesn't taste quite right. So I have to find the least intimidating crust area on the burger and begin there. It is a sacrifice, but its a sacrifice I am willing to make for a good cheeseburger. (BTW In-n-Out, #2, ketchup and spread only, Amazing. Or if you are a little hungrier go with the Double-Double, ketchup and spread only. And then get a side of spread and mix a packet of ketchup in it for your fries.)

Pancakes you can usually just cut right into the center of and avoid the whole crust debacle. Waffles are similar.

If you are lucky, you have the anti-anti-cruster in your household as well. Although you may not see eye to eye with this person the anti-anti-cruster is good for taking care of your crusts if you can get past your initial crust conflict with them. My step-father is in fact quite a fan of crust, so much so that he will go out of his way to make a sandwich with both heels from a loaf of bread. That is taking one for the team.. The Anti-Crust Team.

All I'm saying is if you are a fellow anti-cruster, I feel you, its tough. Just know you aren't alone, we are out there. We should probably start a Myspace group or something.




("The Muppets bring a wink and a smile to [our pizza campaign]," said Tom James, chief marketing officer for Pizza Hut. "It's pizza after all ... It's about fun and enjoyment.")



BTW shout out to Phred who's life was also recently changed by Mason Jars.



Mason Jar Tip of the day: If you get a half gallon or gallon size Mason Jar, it makes a very nice fish bowl.